Signs You’ve Acquired a Toddler

A new creature has entered into our household. 

If I didn’t know better, I’d say it was an untrained pet from the store, or an alien life form that arrived from a different planet. But I do know better because this has happened to us before. We now have a toddler. 

Our daughter, once a peaceful infant, is now a full-blown wild ball of energy and crazy packaged in 2-ft. of chubby. For all those who think they’ve possibly acquired one of these mysterious creatures, here are some signs:

  1. Your carpet is covered in graham cracker crumbs and Play-Doh. 
  2. Laundry day used to be once a week. Now it is daily.
  3. You hear the word “no” an average of 200 times per day.
  4. You are commanded to read Moo, Baa, La La La over and over and over. And so you hide it, and pray it’ll never be found again. 
  5. If you ever leave the house without reserves of goldfish crackers or string cheese, you’ll be sorry.
  6. The word “gah-gah” has multiple different meanings (sock, milk, coffee, glasses, cracker, and sometimes oatmeal), and if you don’t understand its particular use within three tries, and respond appropriately, all Hades breaks loose.
  7. You’ve yelled the phrases, “Stop eating dirt!” and “Don’t touch your poop!”
  8. If you lie down on the ground, a smallish but hefty person will think you want to wrestle or get pounced on.
  9. Pampering yourself means shutting the bathroom door and taking a three-minute shower every other day. If you’re really going for glamour, you change into clothes that aren’t yoga pants and a stained t-shirt.
  10. You fall asleep with the Caillou theme song on repeat in your head.
  11. Every board game in the house is missing pieces or has bite marks. No one can play a real game of checkers anymore.
  12. While searching for a lost ball under the couch, you’ve discovered the source of “that mysterious weird smell” is a months-old partially full sippy cup of milk. 
  13. Dance parties consist of Ring-Around-the-Rosie. 
  14. The bottom third of your television screen is covered in little fingerprints. 
  15. You’ve strained your back while trying to carry your squirming kid, a diaper bag, and 3 bags of groceries from the car to the house. 
  16. If someone forgets to close the bathroom door, the roll of toilet paper will quickly be unraveled, non-flushable objects will be thrown in the toilet, and toothpaste tubes will be emptied of their contents.

How about you? Have you joined the toddler party?

2 thoughts on “Signs You’ve Acquired a Toddler

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