Warning: If the mental picture of a woman breastfeeding her baby freaks you out, stop reading now. Also, don’t have kids.

1. Tell my son to stop jumping on the couch near the baby and me.
2. Eat food. 
3. Drop food crumbs on the baby’s face.
4. Find food crumbs from previous meals in my bra. Or better yet, in the baby’s fat folds.
5. Walk to the bathroom and pee.
6. Drink coffee in a desperate attempt to stay awake.
7. Sing “Pop Goes the Weasel” thirty times in a row while my son jumps out of a cardboard box.
8. Write several drafts of children’s books. 
9. Yell at the TV about how much I hate politics.
10. Sleep sitting up. 
11. Sleep lying down.
12. Worry that Costco stopped selling dried cherries (where are the dried cherries, Costco?!), and consider alternative oatmeal toppings.
13. Purchase 10-lb weights on Amazon to start burning off pregnancy arm flab.
14. Discover @prodigalsam on Twitter and try not to distract the baby with my jostling laughter.
15. Research “homeschooling your kids while maintaining personal sanity.”
16. Hate my hair.
17. Watch Breaking Bad while hoping the baby doesn’t subconsciously pick up the message that Meth Cook is an acceptable career path.
18. Plan the week’s meals and make grocery lists.
19. Inhale the baby’s scent and try to commit this exact moment to memory.
20. Get a tan at the beach. 
21. Get a tan while sitting in my parked car in a parking lot.
22. Give my son a timeout for jumping on the couch near the baby and me.