Warning: If the mental picture of a woman breastfeeding her baby freaks you out, stop reading now. Also, don’t have kids.
I spend an average of 3-4 hours per day nursing my two-month old. That’s pretty much a part time job. Maybe some women enjoy just sitting around for hours on end, doing nothing but lactating and gazing at their baby all Zen-like. Not me. Though I really enjoy the quiet quality time with my daughter, I also get bored after a while. I need things to occupy my time, or I’ll go insane.
Here are things I have done while breastfeeding:
- Tell my son to stop jumping on the couch near the baby and me.
- Eat food.
- Drop food crumbs on the baby’s face.
- Find food crumbs from previous meals in my bra. Or better yet, in the baby’s fat folds.
- Walk to the bathroom and pee.
- Drink coffee in a desperate attempt to stay awake.
- Sing “Pop Goes the Weasel” thirty times in a row while my son jumps out of a cardboard box.
- Write several drafts of children’s books.
- Yell at the TV about how much I hate politics.
- Sleep sitting up.
- Sleep lying down.
- Worry that Costco stopped selling dried cherries (where are the dried cherries, Costco?!), and consider alternative oatmeal toppings.
- Purchase 10-lb weights on Amazon to start burning off pregnancy arm flab.
- Discover @prodigalsam on Twitter and try not to distract the baby with my jostling laughter.
- Research “homeschooling your kids while maintaining personal sanity.”
- Hate my hair.
- Watch Breaking Bad while hoping the baby doesn’t subconsciously pick up the message that Meth Cook is an acceptable career path.
- Plan the week’s meals and make grocery lists.
- Inhale the baby’s scent and try to commit this exact moment to memory.
- Get a tan at the beach.
- Get a tan while sitting in my parked car in a parking lot.
- Give my son a timeout for jumping on the couch near the baby and me.