Toddlers 101

I have made several discoveries about toddlers recently, and feel that I have a duty to pass this information on to you. Maybe you have a toddler of your own, or are around another person’s toddler. Or maybe you’ve never met a toddler in your life. Regardless of your current situation, you will someday need to know some things about toddlers. When that day comes, you can thank me for preparing you with the following facts.

  • Toddlers like to destroy things. There is an inherent desire and ability inside every toddler to break and destroy anything in their vicinity. When a toddler is present, all valuable or fragile objects must be removed, protected or sealed in a locked safe.
  • Toddlers have emotional worlds that are erratic, unpredictable, and wildly confusing to any bystander. Within a span of mere minutes, a toddler may very well transition from visible elation to full-blown meltdown for no discernible reason.
  • If you give a toddler a pen and paper, he or she will quite certainly draw on everything but the paper. Walls, furniture, their skin and clothes, your skin and clothes; nothing is safe from a toddler’s artwork. Have soap and a washcloth handy at all times.
  • Toddlers have more energy than five normal human adults combined. Up at the crack of daylight, toddlers move and squirm and run around endlessly. Even the healthiest, fittest adult is no match for a toddler.
  • Reason and logic are not successful strategies with toddlers. Explaining, for example, that putting two right-foot shoes on simply does not work is an empty argument for a toddler. He or she will insist on things that make absolutely zero sense. The only proper thing to do in this instance is bang your head on a wall in frustration.
  • Toddlers win others over with their adorable smiles, sloppy kisses, and cuddly hugs. Beware of this toddler skill. Their affection is a frighteningly effective means of winning your love.

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