This past year, Steve and I had two miscarriages. They occurred about five months apart from each other; one in November, and the most recent in April.
Amidst the miscarriages, we have experienced extreme measures of sadness and grief. In both instances, we were overjoyed when we learned we were pregnant, anticipating having another child to welcome into our family. With each miscarriage, there was a sudden loss and end of life of a son or daughter who we would never meet in this life. I have had moments of being overcome by sadness, bawling violently and gasping for air. The sight of another mother cradling her infant brings up a swell of emotion. I mourn the lives of our unborn babies, and think of what could have been.
There is also gratefulness intertwined with the grief. I am grateful for my husband, for his unwavering partnership and friendship. Our marriage vows have been all the more secured as we’ve experienced this trial together. I am grateful for the generous outpouring of love and kindness from people around us. Emails, phone calls, prayers, cooked meals, and babysitting offers have been no small reminder of the power of community.
Finally, I am grateful for God. I am grateful that he is near, present, and in our grief with us. I know that because of him, grief and loss aren’t the final conclusion. The true end is one of celebration, joy and life. Though this world is full of awful pain and suffering, I believe and hope in God and his promises of redemption and resurrection, where all the brokenness and wrongs are made right. The reality of eternal life used to seem to me a distant and vague concept. But now, as I wrestle with the reality of having two unborn children, I am deeply moved to the point of rejoicing in my soul that eternal life is promised to us by a loving, faithful, and merciful God.